Rock bottom but climbing back up 😁💪🏼🙌🏻

Not really been able to post this week, had my hands full, my wife’s been away for the week in Spain, sunning herself 😊 so I’ve been busy working and enjoying some nice time with my beautiful children 😍

Suppose this week is bigger for me than last week, it was this week last year when it all came to a head, worse than last week after I’d tried taking my life in Scotland

I’ve been ok this week, I can now confidently say that I can look back on things and I know it won’t get me, I’m a million miles away from where I was and I’m so happy, celebrating for being here now and looking back thinking wow!

So it was to the day not date this time last year, I would be lay in a and e now, and was in the little cubicle for 18 hours 😩 completely lost and scared and not feeling too safe

After a pretty rocky week, with various appointments which really didn’t help, stuff I’ll talk about another time, but the Friday was the day when the wheels fell off

I’ve heard so many people say as I’m sure you have that they were or are rock bottom, could never really understand that, or could never imagine what that must feel like or what must have happened to actually be at the lowest possible point in somebody’s life to say they was rock bottom, thinking about it now, I think I was heading closer and closer to that feeling of rock bottom all week. With appointments within the nhs not going to plan, me lay awake most of the night having the worst flashbacks and nightmares, staring at the loft hatch wondering if it was strong enough to hold my weight while I hung myself. That feeling must have been getting closer as why else would I do that and ever do anything like that for my wife or kids to find me, doesn’t bare thinking about does it 😩

The Friday morning came and I had a job to do on the Wirral, did the job and started heading home around lunch time, still can’t really remember much about that morning, head definitely not on the job, so if I can find the site name I wouldn’t recommend buying a house there 😁

I’d got so far down the M56 and decided enough was enough, I wasn’t going to put my lovely wife and children through the pain I was suffering in my head any longer, got on to the M6 and I knew what I was doing, it was time for me to go, nothing mattered, the kids, my wife, our company, house, planned holidays, planned amazing times that were coming up, nothing mattered, I wanted to die, I’d given up and didn’t want to be around anymore and didn’t care about anything. Thankfully I got over the viaduct after I’d got a phone call that kept me talking to get over it, got off the motorway and sat straight in traffic, worst thing that could have happened! With out going in to too much detail, I tried to take my life again, my head had gone. Next thing I remember was being sat on my couch with wires all over me and three very attractive paramedics stood in front of me 😉

Bundled in to the ambulance and rushed off to a and e, I remember the kids being due home from school any minute, so it was a concern for them to not see me like that, if I’d known at that point when I was leaving the house in the ambulance that I’d not be in my own home again for 6 and a half weeks, maybe I’d have tried to say goodbye, or maybe I wasn’t in the best place to

So much happened in the 18 hours of me being in a and e and then going on to a ward before on the Sunday Father’s Day being taken down to Bristol, I’ll talk about that another time

Anyway, I wanted to say what happened on this Friday last year, happened, but I’m so glad I’m still here! I’m celebrating I’m still here 🥳 after this day was certainly the start of my recovery. Today, this time last year was when I realised I’d hit rock bottom, the day when you know you want to die, that nobody or anything can help, uncontrollable crying, no feeling or a care in the world, that was my rock bottom, I was there. But now I was going to get that professional help, it was the climb up from rock bottom

You know what, life is exciting, if that had gone to plan last year, all the memories and good times I’ve had since last June, wouldn’t have happened, all the amazing people I’ve met, AMC Leigh wouldn’t have happened. I believe things happen for a reason, I had to go rock bottom before I could get to where I today. But then imagine where I could be this time next year, and the year after, how many more amazing people I could meet, how many more memories I can make with my wife and children and friends. How the team i assist coaching can grow even stronger and smash Wigan again 💪🏼😁 it’s the future, there’s so much to look forward to! A stranger is a friend that I’ve just not really got to know yet, there’s lots of people that I’ll meet and hopefully be able to help by this time next year

I know I’ve just completely contradicted myself in saying not looking back, but all I talk about is my past. But I really do this not for likes, not for pity or sympathy, but I just want to help other guys! I just wish that other men can read this and hopefully get something from it, to talk and open up, talking helps! My recovery started this time last year, hopefully somebody could read this and it could be the start of there recovery

Please share and spread the word that men talking means men can start to get somewhere, thanks for reading 🙌🏻😊


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