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It’s good to be alive

That sounds really serious or dramatic doesn’t it ha ha! But it really is 😁😁

Head was well and truly up my arse on Monday, I’d looked at my planner for work to book jobs in, the date struck accord with me instantly, this week and next week this time last year was when I’d attempted to take my life 😔

For some reason I started thinking of the dark negative things. About where I was at that time in my head, remembering how low I was and what had driven to feeling like that. This week this time last year was the start of things going bad. I’d been completely let down by my GP, I contacted my doctor the week before asking for help, I’d put my hand up and was ready for help, I’d been told by loved ones that I needed that professional help, I asked for it

I was told the doc would contact me soon, I was working away that week, couple of days in London then I was straight up to Inverness in Scotland, being away from home not in the best place, with my head running all over the shop. In Scotland and on site I got a call from the doc, he started talking about something completely different, about me going for a scan again, I’d found a lump in the man area months earlier, I’d already had three scans and had been given the all clear thankfully, yet my docs telling me he’s sending me for my first scan! I said that’s not what I’d contacted him for and that I wasn’t in the best place and that I was reaching out for help, I was then told that I couldn’t talk about that and I’d have to make another appointment the week after then the doc literally put the phone down on me

Shocked and feeling completely lost, I finished the job on site and headed back to my digs for the night, on the phone to my wife crying and for company and some reassurance. Got to the digs, showered changed, out for food then back to my room. FaceTimed my wife and kids to catch up, eventually told them I loved them all and said goodnight. No more than 20 minutes later I was stood on the wrong side of the motorway bridge leaning forward ready to jump, thankfully a truck driving past stopped and a big guy dragged me back over and took me back to my hotel, I got home the day after and was relieved to feel safe. Unfortunately things did get worse, but that’s enough dark stuff for now

I’m not going over stuff, well I suppose I am, or I certainly was at the start of the week, I’ve explained that to give a bit of back story to make it clear where I was this week last year. But after getting past Monday, after having a conversation with my wife, I’ve seen a different side to these thoughts, why the hell am I seeing this as a negative time!!!

Last year was negative, but I’m so far away from those feelings and thoughts now, couldn’t be further away honestly 🥳🥳🥳

I’ve realised that I’m here now, I need to appreciate that I’m here and happy! I wake up everyday and come home everyday to my lovely wife and kids 😊 that could have been so different!

No longer will these memories take me to that dark place, balls to that, I’m turning it around now, that was last year, I’m happy now and celebrating the fact that I’m still here! 😁 loving life 😁 appreciating life 😁 embracing life 😁 yes I’m going to have shit days, bad days at work, sure some people will piss me off, but I get to wake up everyday and make more memories with loved ones, I’m enjoying everyday, what happened happened, they didn’t win, they haven’t beat me 💪🏼 I’m winning now, I’m enjoying everyday that I’m here, they are the ones that have to live with what they did, but for me I’m winning and I’m happy 😁😁😁

I was away at weekend and we got up snowdon, it was amazing! I took a big deep breath and loved being outside making memories, why the hell would I ever risk loosing that! No more negative memories, no point in remembering this time last year and going back to those bad parts, it’s time to embrace still being here and celebrating 🥳💃🏼🕺🏼

I hope I can inspire other guys to one day feel the same or at least try to think is it really worth going back to bad memories, instead to appreciate still being alive, because you’re loved and worth it

Anyway, thanks for reading, please share the post and let’s stop these bad memories, it really is good to be alive 😁😊🙌🏻

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