Journey

I’m no expert in mental health and certainly not qualified, I just think there’s so much to give from life experience, and I want to shout it from the roof tops that guys need to talk!!

Monday night session at AMC was amazing, so many men walking through the door starting or continuing there journey

Not sure if journey is the right word or not actually, suppose everyone is on a journey, to find themselves, be themselves, be happy with who you are and always aiming for and wanting more, or just getting through life’s struggles

I guess a journey has a start, middle and endpoint, and that’s why I don’t think journey may be the right word. Life’s obviously got the start but the middle is what you make it, or what cards we’re dealt, in my case, shit! But I suppose it’s the learning part, or the changing part, and nobody wants to think about the end part

When I was away at hospital in Bristol I think I did have the start middle and end, all within the six weeks I was there. The start involves the journey down there, 3 and a half hour journey, I froze when I was trying to leave A&E I couldn’t move, I had no idea where I was going, I just knew I was going further away from my family 😔 I cried for at least 3 hours of the journey, hysterically. Having to drive back over the viaduct was the toughest part. Finally arrived and didn’t have a clue where I was or what was happening, scared, alone, lost, still actively trying to take my own life, looking for ways on to the roof or what I could do to myself in my room, that was the only way I’d be free from the pain

The middle part. Very lost the first couple of weeks, suppose it was a safe place to get me in to my medication, could only speak to my wife, really wasn’t strong enough to FaceTime or even speak with my 3 kids. I’m their dad, there big man, there rock, they didn’t need to see me constantly crying, there was too many questions for them ( I want to talk about that another time ) finally my wife visited which was very emotional, but just what I needed. From that point I knew I needed to get myself sorted, stronger and back home where I belonged

Started feeling stronger (still the middle part of the journey btw, it’s coming to the end part 🤦🏼‍♂️) started mixing with the guys on my ward, became friends, I got taught how to play chess, which I still kick my lads ass at 😁 learnt how to play poker and made some great friends. (Lots of funny stories for another time) one guy who really stuck in my mind, a 7ft Rastafarian guy, he really didn’t like me at first, and such a shame but he really wasn’t well. We seemed to click eventually after spending time with him talking and I learnt so much from him, such good morals, he couldn’t get over why I was there and that I was married, he had serious words with me ( he scared the life out of me ) one of the things that stuck with me what he’d always say was ‘look good feel good’ he’d be immaculately dressed in a five piece suit everyday. So much truth in that isn’t there!

Anyway I could talk about the priory all day and night, such an experience, such a learning curve, meet some very ill people and also some amazing people. The time came when I was ready for home, the end part of my journey. I remember a nurse telling me I’d be ready for home when people started annoying me, week 6, I was ready for home 😁

Plans were made for me to leave, I needed to tick off a few things before I could leave, first being away from the nurses and to sit on my own unsupervised and to be safe. The major one was to walk over a motorway bridge and to not want to jump off. Thankfully that happened and I was on the up

I was met by a nurse outside my room, chatted away, she said your wife and kids are at reception waiting for you 😊 instead of breaking down crying, I was excited and crumbled 😊 met them in reception, all the nurses and staff walked me out, it was so nice and very emotional 🥲

This was the end of my journey, the journey id gone on through me struggling and not talking, not reaching out, and not coping with what’s been going on in my head. Lesson learned, TALK!

Things progressed when I got home, but that’s for another time. I was at the end of my journey in hospital and at the start of my next journey

So I guess journey may be the right word if there’s a journey that’s been had, or was it just life experience

Enough for tonight, I started writing this blog at half 7 this morning when I got on site. Been so busy and just got round to finishing

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I’ve waffled I know, but thanks 😊🙌🏻