You’re in control

After I created this blog the other night I was on a high, the feed back was really good!

This week at works been busy, Andys man club was a great session on Monday, I get so much from talking and listening to other guys, it really helps me, and I can’t wait for next Monday to do it all again. But I keep bumping in to someone at my lads football training and it’s not doing me any good really, I’ll talk a bit more about that another time though

I feel in a good place at the moment, but yesterday I got home from work feeling really shitty, drained and just not very happy, my wife spotted it straight away and was on it and kept me occupied to start making me feel better

I often use some of the techniques I learnt from some of the doctors when I was away in hospital in Bristol last year. When I was sexually abused as a child for many years, there was nowhere I could run to, no help, nobody to talk to about it, I just had to take it. So when I was waking up from nightmares or flashbacks everything was so vivid like it had just happened, I needed to talk to the younger Simon inside my head and let him know he’s ok now and safe, and that I’m here in the now and not back there lay in bed in danger or waiting to see if the door opened that night

I suppose when I got down to hospital the flashbacks were at there worst, it was every night, even with the sleeping tablets I still had them, then couldn’t get back to sleep. I tried lots of the CBT techniques, they did help too, I had to wake myself up fully then sit up in bed and around the room for….

1. 5 things I could see

2. 4 things I could touch or feel

3. 3 things I could hear

4. 2 things I could smell

5. 1 thing I could taste

Sounds daft but it really worked for me, it would bring me around and take me out of the nightmare and bring me back to the here and now. I’d start reading my book but I’d have to get up and turn the light on so didn’t really relax me in to going back to sleep. I’d sit in bed just looking round the room and doing the above. I couldn’t put the tv on, most rooms had tv’s but I wasn’t allowed one, I was still a risk the obvious concern was I’d hang myself with the cables. Sometimes I’d go and make a brew, but quite often there would be other people awake also suffering with ptsd so we ended up sitting chatting or playing chests, not ideal in the early hours, but it helped. There was a lot of very ill guys on the ward where I was, first couple of weeks I didn’t really know what was going on, but I must have started sleeping better, the nightmares never went away, I guess I just learnt how to deal with them better

I think it’s a lot about being kind to yourself, I know I’ll never be away from what happened, but I do know the horrible c***s can’t harm me now, the nightmares and flashbacks will always come, the memories will always be there, (the treatment I had for this was so good, my therapist is amazing and worked wonders on me, I’ll talk about that another time) but I can deal with all that now a lot better, I constantly talk to myself, dragging my thoughts away from going down the wrong avenue, tell myself I’m not there anymore and that I’m safe, what happened has happened but I’m not going to let them mess the rest of my life up, I’ve too much to live for now, they’re not winning anymore, I’m winning and I’m in control of what goes on in my head, the memories can come but I deal with them, sometimes even laugh to myself wondering why I’m giving them the space in my head, I’m in control of my thoughts and memories, not those horrible c***s 😁💪🏼

I think everybody could do a bit of that, when you’re struggling with thoughts and things batting around in your head, stressing about things, take a step back, process what’s really important, what you actually need in your head. Be kind to yourself, the brain only repeats what it knows, if your constantly stressing about things or beating yourself up with stuff in your head, then it’s a vicious circle and it’s hard to get out of, Force yourself to think only about what you need to, try to block out the negativity, be kind to your mind, be kind to yourself, beating yourself up in your head really isn’t worth it

I did it for months and months, couldn’t handle the fact he got away with it, hammering myself asking questions over and over, it tied me up and led to me attempting to drive off Thelwall viaduct, really not worth it!

Talking, speak it in to existence, tell yourself you’re going to be kind to yourself and stop the shit in your head, only you can do it

I’ll leave it there for now, see, I told you I have too much to say for myself 😁

Thanks for reading and be kind to yourself

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